For the past year we have been ever so blessed to be read our Free Will Astrology horoscopes in class on Fridays. My friend Stacy is addicted to it. I just love the complete irony of the moronic idea that there IS such a thing as free will astrology. How can this be?
Well, to give you a taste of the fun I've had this last year, here is my horoscope from last week:
"The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place," said Pablo Picasso, "from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing stranger, from a spider’s web." Now substitute your own name for "the artist" in the above statement, Scorpio, and you'll have your assignment for the coming week. In other words, be alert for and open to the feelings flooding toward you from every direction. Regard the whole world as a giant classroom where you'll be taking a crash course to upgrade your emotional intelligence.
But my favorite has got to be the time when Stacy's horoscope foretold an immaculate conception:
Flora, a Komodo dragon in a British zoo, recently became pregnant and hatched five babies without ever having had contact with a male. This is the first recorded virgin birth among her species. She's your power animal for the coming weeks, Sagittarius. Whether you're female or male, you too now have the power to spawn a beautiful brainchild without being intellectually or emotionally fertilized by anyone. That of course doesn't mean you should avoid the kind of intimate interactions that would fructify you. On the contrary, I urge you to seek those out in abundance. But my point is that you don't need them in order to be a fount of creativity.
To partake in the absurdity, visit http://www.freewillastrology.com/horoscopes/
Trust me. it's hilarious....
9 comments:
LOL, yes one should definitely seek out any opportunity to fructify! JK, love you lainey!
Yes, Stacy your totem animal is Komodo Dragon, an animal that kills its prey with a bacterial infection inflicted from the dragon's claws. And fructify? WTF........What poor excuse for a scrabble dictionary are they using?! I want to invent words so I can be a free-will astrologist too.
Saggitarius today you will have many opportunites to get muffy, take them. It will make you a stronger more emotionally based person who understands the Ginwhamammamy.
Oh and Elaine, I took emotional intelligence in high school, I was crap at it.
I like how stacy's horoscope admonishes her to maintain intellectual abstinence.
"I'm sorry I am just not ready for that level of conversation yet. I am keeping myself pure for my totem animal. Lets just talk about the weather."
WTF, indeed. Surprisingly to me, fructify is actually a word, but it's one of those words the meaning of which is so simple and easy to describe that it's not worth having an actual word in my opinion.
Jeff, I think your power animal is an albino ferret... so helpless and cruelly abused. :)
So... Who came up with this concept? Obviously a genius. I say that in spite of my utter contempt for the notion, because this person obviously understands the general populace, not because it's a good idea. They apparently saw that the idea of giving people what might be a potentially helpful suggestion in some vague way is utterly foolproof and is just what the IQ<80 ordered.
By the way, what the hell is emotional intelligence? How can your feelings be able to learn and incorporate knowledge? Sounds like an oxymoron to me. But then, my free-will horoscope for today told me that I should consider maybe thinking about being open to ideas I read in blog comments today. If I feel like it, and if I'm not too busy. And if I'm getting enough fructose. Or if my fructification levels are high enough. Something with "fruct-", I think. Anyway.
I just like the word "fructify".
And also, this advice in the ad for my horoscope today, which was more interesting than the horoscope itself: "To counteract any tendencies you might have to indulge in the assumption of clairvoyance, practice stating your desires aloud."
I was going to say what Arika said but she beat me to it. I will now sit and ponder ways to include this new word in my vocabulary. How does one use "fructify" in casual conversation?
Fructify is almost as bad as disseminate. I HATE that word. Oh, and fondle is bad too.
Sense we are talking about paranormal abilites may I present the most worthless of the afore-mentioned, clairgustance.
"clairgustance is defined as a form of extra-sensory perception that allegedly allows one to taste a substance without putting anything in one's mouth. It is claimed that those who possess this ability are able to perceive the essence of a substance from the spiritual or ethereal realms through taste."
In example.
Guy1 "mmmm, wow."
Guy2 "What?"
Guy1 "someone on the next block is eating a baguette."
Guy2 "uhh.....ok."
Guy1 "That is the best damn baguette I never had."
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